Am I Settling?

One of my biggest fears in life (along with snakes) is the thought that I might be missing something. Though I may have not been abiding by the theme at certain points in my life, "never settle" has been important to me since I could find importance in anything. What am I achieving? What am I doing with myself? Is it important to me? Is it blessing others? Lately I've been asking myself these things and realizing the weight it holds, especially at this point in my life. It's like I've woken up and suddenly was married and living in this beautiful home that we bought and most of the past is a blur (praise God). Is this life enough?

When I was younger, I was constantly performing for anyone who would watch me. If there was a stick looking object near by that remotely resembled a microphone, you could count on me to pick it up and sing into it as if there were thousands watching. If there was any type of sweater or cloth laying around, I would tie it around my waist and pretend I was Belle. I'd stick my legs in a pillow case and pretend I was the little mermaid. It just came so naturally to me. But as we age, we enter into certain environments and those environments can make us question who we are or who we thought we were. Other people's insecurities are either projected onto us or bring out our own and we second guess ourselves. 

I had a talent agent when I was 9 years old, went on audition after audition and started to think I didn't belong there. Where had my mom brought me to? A room full of girls looking in their little compacts and powdering their 9 and 10 year old noses, teasing their hair. What were they doing? Why was my mom doing the same thing to me as I waiting to be called to go read lines? It seemed silly. Then the audition for Great Expectations came, it was a feature film staring Gweneth Paltrow and Ethan Hawk, talk about pressure. I said to myself "if I don't get this role, I'm done with this charade". I just remember my mom getting me out of school early to go to these things and getting so car sick on the way that I was in complete misery by the time we got there. My agent sent in my audition to LA via VHS (ah, the good old days) and I got a call back, I couldn't believe it! I mean, I wasn't confident in the least. So I go in for the call back, the producers and casting directors had flown out to Dallas for this occasion. I was a little nervous, but seeing how excited my mom was waiting outside for me, I wanted it more for her sake. I went in and read the lines. They said, "maybe now try it without the Texas accent". A British accent with a Texan undertone, couldn't have sounded that great. So I tried once more, then thrice more and went on my way. I didn't get the role. I was a little bummed out, but more for my mom. She never put pressure on me to be an actress, she only encouraged me because she thought that's what I wanted. And it was, at one time. Shortly after that I stopped auditioning and enjoyed my childhood while it lasted.

I pursued and fulfilled a dream to work for Disney, met wonderful people, made life long friends and ended up meeting the man I would marry while living in Orlando. That was my greatest accomplishment in that period of my life. I was actually secretly gearing up for a move to LA when I met him. I hadn't told anyone, not my family, I may have made mention of it to my friends, but I was serious about it and had already saved up money, I was just waiting on the boost of courage to put in my notice with Disney. Then here comes the white horse. The night I met Daniel I saw a beautiful life. I saw us with our children playing in the yard, taking family trips and making lasting memories. At work, I looked at every family I met and thought about how we would some day bring our children here to Disney World and how special it would feel. Now, the guys out there are saying "what a crazy!", the women are either thinking "yeah right" or "how romantic". Nevertheless, something changed in me when I laid eyes on him. I mean...just look at his beautiful face...

We got married...

We moved back to Texas and settled down, we built a house just streets away from everyone in my family. 

And of course the next step is obviously babies. But when I sit at my 8-5 job Monday through Friday, I wonder, is this enough for me? I see all my friends still "living the dream", doing this and that, traveling here and there and I wonder if I should be doing all of that. Truth is, this life that I have is enough for me. No glitz, no glamor, not red carpets, just the creme carpets in my beautiful home with my precious husband. I am insanely happy for my friends who are living their dreams and achieving their goals, but the simple life is my dream, and I've found happiness here. Sure, my life isn't over, and there are a few dreams I still have yet to achieve, but those dreams come in the form of a snow cone stand, writing books, painting, writing music, and babies. 

So am I settling? No, I don't see it that way. I think if you are truly happy doing what you're doing and will be happy doing what you're doing, then that's YOUR dream. I will always have the music in my heart, I will continue to bring that music to life, my audience will just be few and far between. I will still make movies, but they will feature my ever expanding family. If what you're doing is not your dream, change it. It's really as simple as that. I know that whatever may come and go in life, money, things, accolades, there is nothing that can take your family from you. That's the richest and truest blessing.